The Choicest Career January 7, 2010

Okay, December is always crazy, for everyone I’m sure. This December changed my life. One week after I posted my last blog, I was laid-off from my not so great but well-appreciated job. Oh well. Seriously, I really love some of my former co-workers, and I liked the rest. I was supposedly well liked and I did my job well, but they couldn’t afford my position, it just wasn’t in their budget, so they cut it. I had a feeling it was coming before it happened. The way I was raised makes me realize that expecting doom calls for its presence. But all I heard for my last month was that we had no space in the budget and could afford anything, not even necessities, and the insurance companies weren’t reimbursing the company for my services as a massage therapist, no matter how much they were needed. It didn’t matter that I was gaining popularity with the clients, because they weren’t paying my salary. Between budget crisis and new licensing laws, I knew my plan to try to find work as a substitute teacher or tutor while I was still working full time as a massage therapist was about to change. It’s too bad I procrastinated so long on finding a teaching job, because I now have no job.  Thankfully I fought for full time employment back in August, which means I qualified for PTO, benefits and severance pay, and thankfully I took the CBEST when I did. Because of these things, I didn’t totally land on my duff when they gave me the boot. I shouldn’t say they gave me the boot I actually did get to have a parting lunch with everyone after I left, I just thought it would sound good, but my company has a pretty rough policy when it comes to letting people go.  An ax would probably make for a better analogy — a good clean, but blunt chop.

In my case though, the boot was actually more like the ripping off of a band aid. I thought I needed my job, but it was really just keeping me from truly pursuing my calling. The very next day, I went to visit my friend, and her dad reminded me that as far as careers are concerned, I have been wasting my life for more than a year. Why would I slave away, breaking my back, when I’m paying off a B.A.? Why then do I even have one, just to make my life more stressful? NO. Prolonging my ascension into what I now realize is meaningful adulthood and gambling my financial future came with the promise of a rewarding career in something. For me this something is teaching.

Thank you former employers, thank you for employing me as long as you did in this frightful economy, I understand why you had to let me go. I also realize that if I hadn’t been laid of on December 15th, 2009, two days before the holiday craziness would begin to wreak increased havoc on my sense of self-worth, and eleven days after I took the CBEST,  I wouldn’t have been able to get everything I needed together to start school today. As of today, I am now pursuing the greatest career of my life. It’s exciting, and I’m tired. I think I’ve written enough poor paragraph structure for one night. I’m going to bed before I watch The Accidental Husband, twice.

In the Belly… December 8, 2009

It is really hard to start writing about what I really want to talk about. I am distracting myself by writing about other things, which i guess is ok, because I want people to know what going on now, but I’ve intended for this to become more. 

Flashback with me a few years if you will to a train pulling a load of tourists up a mountain somwhere in India to a beautiful place where tea grows. I’m sitting across from a nice looking Indian family. They’re from New Delhi, and they’re asking me one of the top five questions I’ve been asked since I stepped off a plane in Chennai: “What are you? Are you Christian?” I ‘ve had some time to adjust to cultural differences that allow for such a question to be posed, and I’ve gotten sick of arguing my non-religious agnostic stance with people  only to have them look at my like I’m, well, a heathen, Godless, very strange in this society many faiths. So, I let the woman who was spoksperson on her family’s behalf, give me the right answer. “Well, you come from a Christian country. Were you raised Christian?”…”Then you’re Christian.” I was actually relieved. I had gained acceptance, simply by admitting my tie to God. I was smiling, happy. From here on I would state my alliance to antone who asked, even though I carried about, visiting shringes, participating in various rituals, talking about the afterlife and meditating with hospitable shaolin monk refugees. I would further defend ‘faith’ to my athiest friends, be kissed by a yogi who would affirm I was christian, and ask if one could still spend time at her ashram if the were indeed christian.

Of course, this was years ago, time enough for this moment of enlightenment to get a little buried. But the seed was planted.

See “Best” or hopefully not less than “C” December 7, 2009

Yeah I know my quirky titles are nothing more than quirky. It’s a sense of humor my dad has been training me in probably since I was pre-born.

My blog has been viewed by someone else besides me! I don’t know who you are. You’re probably my boyfriend Aaron, the only person I told I was blogging again. It it was viewed three times! Maybe people were looking up tuna and white sauce recipes (Do you know why I misspelled the word recipe for the last time when I was eighteen? I wrote “recipies” on a Christmas present. So I was never a strong speller, I was always good at math and reading though! Two out of three ain’t bad!) BTW I totally forgot in a mindnutrientstarvedhaze that my Grandma used to fix tuna cassarrole for me almost every time I went to visit her. How heartless was that!

Now I’m going to tell you about the CBEST. I don’t know. Pray… PLEASE. I’m only second-guessing myself because I thought I was prepared, had studied and read at least half of the pages and pages of instructions they post and send online and had brought to class all the required materials, only to find out that I had prepared for a test I was not taking that day. The test I had prepared for didn’t have 50 (!!!*#%&!) reading comprehension questions for me to answer as my sleep deprived eyes were now popping wide open and my mind was trying to burn off the coastal fog in a wildfire of panic. (Insert prayer at this moment) Get back fog! Back, Back, BAck!! My head was filled with smoke by the time I got to the math section, but at least I brought some water and at least it turned out I had studied a lot harder for this portion of the test than I needed to. Finally I ended the test with two writing essays. I had intended to check if my WEPT exam would count for this portion of the test, but I decided to just go ahead and do this part too, just in case. I just really hope this all turns out well. I’m also thankful that I brought three pencils, because two of them broke…Funny.

White Tuna December 4, 2009

I’m supposed to be studying for the CBEST, but everybody’s gotta eat right?

I got a craving for something I haven’t had in a very long time after seeing a pack of linguini: Tuna Alfredo, or simply, tuna, white sauce and pasta. So I made it for myself. I don’t think I’ve actually ever made it, but I remember the first time it was made for me. I didn’t know one could do that with tuna! I had only ever had tuna in sandwiches and salads. I was amazed, and it was really good! I later told my friends about it, and they could not believe I was hyped over this dish, which to them was nothing. Oh well. I loved it then, I love it now, I’ll always love it. Thanks to the person who showed me how to make it! Thanks for all of the times this was made for me and our friends! I even got chipotle tabasco sauce to go with it! I had no idea it was so easy to make. In case you’re reading, here’s the mystery dispelled:

Start boiling water for the pasta and in another pan melt butter with chopped garlic. when the butter melts add a couple tablespoons of flour, and mix it into a paste. add milk while stirring constantly to blend it all together smoothly and without lumps. keep adding milk until the mixture is a little runnier than a sauce. Add a can of tuna and keep stirring, the mixture should start to thicken. add salt and pepper to taste, and by now you should have added pasta to your boiling water, and that should be pretty much done as well, so that’s it! Drain the pasta, add the sauce and you’re done!

Bon Apetite bells and bows!

Giving Thanks December 2, 2009

I noticed that this blog had some hits just before Thanksgiving. That’s really encouraging.

Lately I’ve been reviewing all of my old posts, and editing some of them. Nothing major. I honestly thought there would be more things I’d want to change, but there aren’t.

Here are some more details about my life and the things I’m thankful for:

I’m much closer to my Dad than I have ever been. It’s been a bumpy road at times, for the both of us. But we’ve processed a lot of our frustrations, and have exercised a lot of forgiveness. I totally cherish my father. The best thing about thanksgiving was when I acted like I was going to help him off the couch and fell into his lap instead. I may be a grown woman, but he sat there holding me and it was one of the best things I’ve ever experienced. I love you, Dad.

My Real Life @30 December 1, 2009

Well I wish I could make this post longer, but I have less than ten minutes.

Anyhow, my life…Where to start.

Well I just found out that my Dad doesn’t have angina! He just finished the test and he is still groggy, but he just texted me so I called. I can’t even begin to illustrate with words how overwhelmingly relieved I am, but I’ll tell you that I’m crying.

I’m saved. For those of you who knew me before…these words…well it may not make sense, but it’s the truth and it’s totally changed my life. I want to tell you how I came to this.

But now I have to go…

My heart feels so light right now.

Back Again February 25, 2008

It was so boring before. I guess I should start with a dream I had several years ago. I won’t go on about the details of the dream, but needless to say I still remember it. In this dream I had a symbol on my left shoulder. That is the symbol the dragon is swimming around. (12/01/09: I really wanted the dragon because I think it symbolizes my experiences in Japan,  a friend of mine was also getting a similar tattoo at the same time, we went to a place that is known for it’s dragon tattoos, and I was still into some of my former beliefs — even after the conviction and the testimony I described to several of my friends at the time) The other symbol is the Kanji for ‘ai’, which means ‘love’. My calligraphy teacher painted this for me.

So I edited this post… If you don’t already know what I was thinking when I got this tattoo and you really want to, just ask me or someone who knows me.

Music For My Long Drives, Music For My Heart November 29, 2007

Family, friends, music, they are the top three, or top five if you count spirituality. But I don’t as yet know where I am with my spirituality, although I am pretty sure it is rooted in the above three things.
Anyway, along my commutes I have noticed that there are certain songs that I favor while I’m driving. They change depending on whether I’m going to or coming home from my classes but ther are certainly some songs that I love that I just cannot stand when I am behind the wheel. and others that I’m not sure I’d listen to otherwise. Kind of like how my cousin puts on the AC/DC when he’s on HWY 80. I thought I might share this with anyone who cares to know, as it is definitly a major part of my experience here. I have also been thinking that it might provide some insight or something, at least help you share my experience. So I’m making a list, and I will send this music your way, if you wish.
Here are a few songs that will be on it:
Happy Birthday by Modeselektor
Arcadia by Apparat
Holdon by Apparat
Office Boy (CSS rmx) by Bonde du Role
Stuntman by Kasabian
15 Step by Radiohead
When the Levee Breaks by Led Zepplin (but you knew that)
Shazam! by The Beastie Boys
The Geek by Wir Sind Helden
Kaputt by Wir Sind Helden
Suckerpin by Modeselektor
The Dark Side of the Sun by Modeselektor
Scenic World by Beirut
Interplanetary by The Young Punx!
Mistaken For Strangers by The National
The Guest Room by The National
Crabbuckit by K-OS
Ooh La La by Goldfrapp
Dead Flowers by Rinocerose
Walk Idiot Walk by The Hives
Lost by the Mary Onettes
Little Montsters by Charlotte Gainsbourg
Sucka Mofo by Northern State
Starlight by Muse
Little bunny Foo Foo by The Moldy Peaches
Sealegs by the Shins
Blue Orchid by The White Stripes
Hands Open by Snow Patrol
Psyclone! by the Super Furry Animals
The Con by Tegan and Sara
I Feel It All by Feist
Sunrise, Light Flies by Kasabian
Brace Yourself by Les Savvy Fav
Hijo de Africa by MC Solaar
The Weight of My Words (Four Tet rmx) by Kings of Convenience
Pride by U2
Breakable by Ingrid Michaelson
Kids With Guns by Gorillaz

Anyway, this is not all of them, and I still have to sort them out for you, so you which ones get me to work, which get me back home and which ones break my heart along the way.
This unfortunately, is also not comprehensive, because I dropped my iPod four feet at my Halloween party, and wiped all its data. I had back-ups of the party mix, and many of my favorite albums and songs, but not everything. I’m kind of angry about it. It was in a case when it dropped. I would consider the idea that someone had messed with it, if it didn’t continue to malfunction. Anyway, it led me to make the decision to not by music from itunes unless I can’t find the music anywhere else. One good reason for this decision is that they promote really crappy artists. Another is that I won’t be able to share some of my favorite songs with you because I bought them on iTunes, and they limit the sharing of their files (so what happens if I get a new computer?).
It’s late, I’ll write more about this project later.

Doesn’t anyone else think so? November 5, 2007

Wow, two blogs in one week.
Well, I think I am going to try to blog whenever I get the urge to write what’s on my mind. I will also try to talk about cool events and things I do. Anyway, it will still be about my experience in Japan, because that’s where I’m living, and there are certain experiences one can have no where else — like the one I’m having now.
So two days ago I was presented with a member of a stack of ‘ABC’ flashcards, and asked if I felt it was okay to say ‘I’ as in ‘Indian’. I Wish I could leave room here for your response to that first question.
I was then asked if it is okay to say ‘Indian’, to which I responded “Yes, it is…yeah that’s okay and doesn’t bother me, though someone else might have a problem with it…But I do have a problem with the image…” The image on the card was of a young boy, dressed in leather pants and paint, holding a tomahawk war axe high, and his eyes were indeed crossed.
Failing to receive the needed answer, the same question was asked of other instructors. It came back around to me that night, in the form of a discussion on what ‘PCness’ (being politically correct) is doing to culture (I’m still not sure if by ‘culture’ he meant culture in general, or various cultures). But really it was more a less an obsure blast against being PC and the teacher who had a problem with the card (me). I dropped into this conversation somewhere near but not at the begining, so I got to hear part of the orators introduction. I agreed with what he said, to some extent, because I feel that PCness is just a cover, a safety blanket we use when we’re not sure if we are going to offend someone. Ultimately it does nothing to help us absolve those offenses, and people are often offended anyway. Besides what is deemed as PC changes with all the other latest trends. It’s really superficial and, as noted in this case, often causes anger or frustration. Anyway by the time he got to the card I could already sense where his speech was going. Then he brought up the card. He demanded to know why Indian was offensive, and how could using ‘Native American’ be better. I was not the only person there, but I was the only American — though I forgot that at the time — anyway I repsonded with “actually I think Indian is the best term, and I know many will agree, since it is the term prefered by every Indian I’ve ever met. It represents the fact that it is our oppressors who write history and choose what we are to be called.” I was then asked who gave the Indians that name, the British, the Spanish, or the Portugese. Of course the answer is “well I guess you could say Spanish, since they funded Colombus’s expedition, and it was he who was so determined to claim it was India that they later threw him in jail for his obsurdity.” (I wish I could have said it as well then as I can now, but when I’m a little drunk I often think I sound this good anyway. This is the gist of what I said, in less and more precise terms.) It was then stated that people at the time thought the world was flat (hmm, the anwer is no, which led to more discussion). I was having this conversation with two native English speakers, I felt pretty good, but I was leaving the original progenitor of this topic in the dust. (Well, I’ve sort of fallen into bragging here — haven’t I?). I said somewhere in this conversation “what bothered me about that card was the image,” which I explained. Unfortunatley, the point was lost. I’m afraid that no one else associates that image with the true problem that there is still a belittling of the culture obviously, for the card was purchased new. It was a throwback to the Disney cartoons that many have tried to forget. A little Hiawatha who can’t keep his pants up. So, where’s the card with the black, thick-lipped islander who wants to eat me for supper? Are there any other cards that use either ethnicity or nationality as a reference to phonetics? NO. If it were a whole alpahbet of nationality cards, the image would still be bad of course. So my orginal question: “Why can’t we just change it?” Why can’t we just say ‘I’ as in India, or indigo, or igloo? Or if you wan’t to say Indian, why not have a picture of Sitting Bull, or Crazy Horse? The occupation of Alcatraz in ’69 would be a great way to represent the culture, at least for northern California. Better yet, why not something that represents the subcontinent?
Of course, I’d like to hear more opinions.

Hello! November 1, 2007

We just had a fantastic Halloween here. Now it’s back to work, with a tall order of organising and planning classes for the next three months. I have many varieties of feeling about this. I want to be a good teacher, and I think planning my classes is really important. I would do that part for myself regardless of anyone looking over my shoulder. But no one does. There’s the problem the plans are viewed and nit-picked once, then nothing happens. I have more than twenty classes I have to write twelve weeks of classes for in quite painstaking detail, just because…So I try to make them as useful for myself as possible. I know it sounds like i’m whining, but I also happen to have a lot more classes than about half of the teachers, on the same salary. Actually, what I need someone to say is “buck up champ, this is the real world,” or “We all work hard, stop listening to anyone who isn’t.” I mean, if I have to write 25 of these things for weekly private lessons, then writing lesson plans as school teacher is going to seem a lot easier, right? If I were a lesser teacher, it would be enough to glance at and wing a class last minute. I don’t know, maybe it’s a good thing — aside from the fact that classes never go as planned. Students get sick, they take business trips, they come to school onry or tired. I not being left room in my plans to account for missed days so I write in a lot of review. I hope it works. Point is I’ll never be able to reference these and know exactly what I’m supposed to do, no matter how much detail is there, and no one else looks at them (but maybe I should stop telling myself that, or listening to others say it). But I am getting the hang of it. I’m starting to put it together. And I’m trying to figure out how to make the hoops I’m jumping through work for me. I really think I’d go insane otherwise. I hate being given tasks that seem to have no purpose, like putting my CD player in a box in my trunk so that I can take it on an hour journey, on an overcast day, and spare the wear the sunlight might cause. So I try to see it differently, afterall if I break suddenly, then having my CD player in a box might be a good thing — a better reason than the one I was given. I still have a hard time doing it though, I’d almost rather replace the cheap CD player. SO, is something wrong with me? Am I failing to see things straight? Do I need to grow up and stop being so rebellious? At what point do we realize it’s easier not to fight tyranny (– unless you have someone else doing the fighting for you? I’m reading Howard Zinn right now, which places a new perspective on U.S. History.)? I don’t know. I like living here though. I like my friends, my students and the many people I’ve met and things I’ve learned. I even wish I could stay with this company for another year. Afterall, look at what I’m gaining from this experience. I can feel the change everyday. Besides the company is not that bad — have you read anything about NOVA? look it up; I could be in a much worse situation.
I realize too, that I haven’t been working nearly as hard as the firefighters in L.A. That’s been really stressful, thinking about that. My family is always in my heart, but especially my dad and brother these days.